100 ways to annoy Voldemort
by Kitkan
Summary: Ever wondered how you could annoy dear old Voldy? HERES HOW!  D


**Enjoy ~ ****J**

**Disclaimer:I don't own! From a variety of sources =D**

1. Ask him why he 'doesn't have such a cool scar?'

2. Laugh at him.

3. As he's plotting dark deeds, pretend to cough and mutter things like 'Not gonna work, or 'stupid.'

4. Pat him on the head and give him flowers when his plans are foiled yet again.

5. Dance the Funky Chicken.

6. Ask him when was the last time he took a bath.

7. Be cheerful.

that you have met chunks of cheese with more cunning plans than his

to teach him to play a mouth organ.

-marker Potter-style glasses on him while he sleeps.

11. Let off party-poppers in his face whenever the urge strikes you.

12. Get a pair of finger puppets closely resembling himself and Harry Potter. Re-enact all of Harry's victories over him in a spectacularly childish way. Be sure to give them both squeaky voices.

13. Anytime he enters any room, insist on entering first and announcing him grandly.

14. In these announcements, fake a trumpet noise and give him an equally fake drum roll.

15. Tell him constantly to stop repressing his anger.

16. Buy him a stress ball.

17. Hint that he is only a character in a book and will never triumph.

18. Endeavour to teach him to steeple his fingers, lean back and say 'Eeeexcellent'.

19. 'Imperio' his Death Eaters into a rousing chorus of 'All Things Bright And Beautiful.'

20. Shower him with confetti and rice, anytime you think he needs to make a 'grand entry.'

21. Ask him where he put your hair straightners.

22. Tell him off for using your shampoo.

23. And conditioner.

24. As well as toe nail clippers.

25. Find him new hobbies.

26. If you ever have to make an Unbreakable vow with him, before you unclasp hands yell, "!"

27. Make a badge which says "I'm with Harry"

28. Suggest anger management classes

29. *Accidentally* break his wand.

30. Do the Futterwacken

31. Insist he enters people's houses by the following - 'Knock knock.'"Who's there?" 'I cannot tell you.' "Why?""I am he Who Cannot Be Named."

32. Eat his pet snake. Offer him some.

33. Throw him a 'Teletubbies'-themed birthday party.

34. Ask him if he's sure 'the whole evil-maniac-out-for-power-and-revenge thing isn't getting a bit old?'

35. Get him to play 'Jenga' with you.

36. Get him a plant. Act mortally offended when he doesn't water it and it dies.

37. Ask him to dance a polka with you

38. Work cutesy phrases like 'pushing-up-daisies' and 'smooth-as-a-baby's-bottom' into conversation as much as possible.

39. Steal, snap and bury his wand

40. Tell him Lucius did it.

41. Insist on reading him bedtime stories. Include 'The Ugly Duckling.'

42. Make vague allusions to Harry Potter being his son.

43. Write him a theme song. Start singing it whenever he is about to do or say something particularly clever and nasty.

44. Tell him Wormtail has a crush on him.

45. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."

46. Remind him that he isn't even really alive.

47. Update him of how well Harry's doing in his fight against him (use song when possible).

48. Make a spell which makes an arrow appear in the sky which says "Voldemort is here" and it tracks him.

49. Sneak into his private meeting and listen to his plot. Then shout it really loudly when Harry's near.

50. Buy the two of you matching bracelets saying 'Forever Friends'

51. Tell you think a yoga class could 'cure' him of his wicked ways.

52. Get 'The Mysterious Ticking Noise' stuck in his head.

53. Begin any question you ask him with 'Riddle me this!' Emphasis on Riddle.

54. Cuddle him at random moments.

55. Throw biscuits at him. Constantly.

56. Tell him you think evil master plans of world domination are 'kind of girlie.'

57. Mimic everything he says in a sing-song voice.

58. Mimic everything he does with exaggerated limb-movements.

59. Insist he help you with the newspaper crossword every morning.

60. Call him 'mate'.

61. Buy him a big pink Birthday cake.

62. Tell people he's 'really just a big softie.'

63. Mock his baldness.

64. Have a dress up like Voldemort day. Do face paints and everything.

65. Be generally in awe of him and never look away.

66. Wake him up by singing Beach Boys songs in his ear. 'Round, round, get around, I get around...'

67. If you ever need to say 'Like taking candy from a baby', be sure to add 'Of course, SOME of us might find that harder than others.' Stare pointedly at him.

68. Play 'knock-&-run' at his bedchamber door late at night.

69. Ask why the Dark Mark couldn't look like something 'more socially acceptable?'

70. Pinch him. Make sure he squeals.

71. Buy him a ukulele for Christmas.72. Roll your eyes during plotting sessions and say things under your breath like 'You're the boss, boss' or 'It's your funeral.'73. Greet him in the mornings with a sarcastic 'My sir, you look particularly menacing today.'74. Taunt him about his middle name. 'Marvolo? What's that, a washing detergent?'75. Keep a 'good-behaviour chart'. Award points and give out gold stars.76. Apparate into and out of his room rapidly. Do this non-stop for an hour. *poof* there *poof* gone *poof* there...77. Whenever he gets annoyed with you, beam at him like you are really pleased.

78. 'Did you even HAVE a girlfriend? Like, ever?'79. Ask him where he bought red contacts for his eyes.

80. When he says he wants to rule the world, smile kindly (and VERY patronisingly) and say "Oh, right..." and "Lovely, dear." then turn away and mutter, rolling your eyes, to an invisible person "He'll get over it, he wanted to be a bus driver last week..."

81. Point a stick at him and say "Avada Kedevra!", when it doesn't work, sigh angrily and say "Oh poo, I'm stuck with you!"

82. Ask him who his plastic-surgeon is.

83. Ask him if 'it's difficult to breath with that weird nose of his'?

84. Tell him that black is so last year.

85. Suggest he use spray tan to give him a 'nice summer glow'.

86. Make sure to remind him every day to moisturise, so his skin 'won't be so scaly'.

87. Knit him things. Really hideous things.

88. Buy him a Nintendo DS and give him games like The Imagine series and Cooking Mama. Basically ones evil people would hate.

89. Sit on a laptop and casually ask him if he wants to go to Hogsmeade for a holiday. When he says no, throw the laptop at him and whine about Honeydukes until he agrees.

90. Hide dungbombs around his house.

91. Swap his wand for a stick of rock, then when he asks why, tell him he needs to 'sweeten up' a bit!

92. Give him a pile of pebbles and tell him to find the Ressurection Stone.

93. Comment on how cool Dumbledore's beard looks, then stare pointedly at his chin.94. Give him one of those buzzing pens when he is writing his plan and the pen will buzz and give him a little 'electric shock'

95. Charm all of Voldemorts robes to be pink.

96. Stick to his wall with a permanent sticking charm a banner which read and flashes in pink "Gryffindor, where the brave dwell at heart, Slytherin (Where there is no brave, courageous or even clever people!) and a big Gryffindor lion and a huge portrait of Harry

97. Say that he failed to kill Harry due to his eyesight and that he needs to go to Specsavers... then:

98. Try to get him to buy a pair of Harry Potter glasses.99. Tell him, "Edward Cullen can sparkle. Bet you can't do that."100. Be Harry Potter. Be alive.


End file.
